time of death = 12:28 pm

AP Exams are over.

That’s all I have to say.

(Sorry for those of you who still have AP Chem, AP Psych, or whatever else is next week. Good luck with that.)

God bless,


advanced placement ocd

In lieu of the AP exams, I thought I’d post the “My Personal Food Handler’s Licensing” Exam (perhaps better known as the OCD Exam) found at the end of Devil in the Details.

Multiple Choice

1) Food should be stored:
  1. Below 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

  2. Below 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

  3. In alphabetical order from left to right.

2) If you find an insect in the produce, you should:

  1. Throw it away.

  2. Rinse produce thoroughly and cut away affected part, then serve.

  3. Rinse produce thoroughly and cut away affected part. Decide produce still carries the taint of death and throw it away, but not in the kitchen garbage can. Use the garbage in the garage instead. Wash your hands well, tap the counter three times to ward off death, then say your afternoon prayers.

3) Serving utensils should be:
  1. Stored in ice water.

  2. Flash-sterilized in the dishwasher.

  3. Anointed in the Jacuzzi.

4) An acceptable salad dressed is:
  1. Oil and vinegar.

  2. Herbed aioli.

  3. Tap water.

5) The black specks in the vegetable soup are probably:
  1. Pepper.

  2. Poppy seeds.

  3. Dead insects. They are totally, totally dead insects. Go wash the bowl until your hands bleed.

6) If food is dropped on the floor, you must:

  1. Wash it before serving.

  2. Throw it away.

  3. That depends. Where did you drop it, exactly? On the carpet? If it was on the carpet you should throw it away and go wash your hands. But if it was on the linoleum, where you saw beacon grease drip that one time, you’re going to have to throw it away, wash your hands, then wash everything you’re wearing. Shower and change into a non-contaminated outfit. This outfit will instantly become contaminated because it takes more than one shower to remove the taint of bacon. Shower again. Change into another non-contaminated outfit, and avoid the kitchen for the rest of the week.
Free response questions

Expound on the following statements:

  1. Toothpaste has calories.
  2. Air can be un-kosher.
  3. Salmonella can flourish in the balmy climes of hell.

From Jennifer Traig’s Devil in the Details “Reading Group Guide”

God bless,